We came across this article on Medium.com from nudist writer, GB Dare. He uses satire as a persuasive technique, to send the message that “nice, ordinary, productive members of society sometimes like to be naked and/or have a few kinks.” When we think of who comes on our Everything To Sea sailing trips, we could say the same exact thing. We hope you enjoy this sarcastic – and hilarious – post as much as we did!

I am an avid amateur researcher of the perverted practice of social nudity. As such, I have frequently gone undercover — or perhaps, more correctly, out from under the cover — posing as a nudist to gain the trust of these weird, naked people.

I wanted to learn all of their twisted secrets and the only way to truly do that was to join them in shedding all clothing at nude beaches.


Many times over the years.

As often as I could.

I know — it’s a terrible sacrifice, but it’s one I bravely made for the sake of science, and the world.

You’re welcome!

Anyway, in my many years of… please forgive me, it’s hard to talk about — it’s so terrible!

In my many years of stripping off my clothing and going completely naked, except for a hat and sandals (I’m dedicated to my research, but I’m not a complete Barbarian), I’ve managed to learn much about this cult of nudity.

I am now ready to reveal their dark secrets!

So, what kind of weirdo goes to a nude beach?

Buckle up, cupcake — shit’s about to get real!

The first dark secret is the darkness of nudists.

No, they’re not dark in the figurative sense of plotting a takeover of the world in Satan’s name nor even doing the occasional virgin sacrifice (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

I’m referring to literal darkness — the all-over tans!

While nudists come from all races, the racial lines get blurred quite a bit when even the Caucasians appear to be upholstered head to toe in rich Corinthian leather.

Perhaps this is why nudists tend to be so strangely accepting of everyone — a sign of true deviance in itself.

Can you imaging being accepting of everyone (at least until they behaved badly towards you)?

Have you met everyone?!! They suck!

Only a wacko nudist would be that accepting!

That nudist trait of acceptance extends beyond race too.

Bodies of all shapes and sizes. All genders and sexualities. All ages. With body modifications and without. Able-bodied and those with disabilities. Rich and not so rich. Wearing genital bling and not.

You name it — if there’s a trait one could use to exclude someone, nudists usually ignore it.

Nudists are horrible about excluding exclusions!

Even political divisions are mostly shed along with the swimwear at clothing-optional beaches — it’s sickening how these naked freaks manage to get along!

Whereas once nudism was mainly associated with ultra-liberal hippies, now you’ll often see MAGA hats and Trump flags in the same field of vision at clothing optional beaches as LGBTQ rainbows.

And these opposing political viewpoints seem to co-exist peacefully for the most part. Certainly more peacefully than on social media or at socially-responsible functions such as school board meetings.

I guess the one thing these freaks can all agree on is that nudism is freedom, even if nobody can agree on what freedom is!

So physical characteristics and political distinctions don’t define today’s nudists, but what does?

In my lack-of-cover investigations, I have conducted many formal interviews disguised as “conversations” in which nudists have revealed their careers and other interests to me.

I have discovered that some of these “people” are… college students, teachers, doctors, restaurant workers, IT professionals, business owners, accountants, and dear God, even…


I know! Attorneys! Does their perversion have no bounds?!!

I’ve even met quite a few nudists who don’t work at all and many of them live at least in part off of money they get from the government — those lazy bastards!

Yep, you and I (well, not necessarily you or I, but suckers who pay taxes) are supporting their disgusting naked lifestyle!

Oh yeah, they may use the more socially acceptable term of “retired”, but that’s just a euphemism for nursing off the sweet teat of Social Security — those lazy socialists!

Besides employment, many of the nudists I’ve interviewed have had other deviant interests as well.

Some like to travel. There’s golf and tennis enthusiasts. Some enjoy outdoor activities like camping, fishing, and hunting. I’ve met some who are movie buffs — in the buff.

Book clubbers, gardeners, car enthusiasts, etc., etc., etc.

Some are even… ugh, active in their church!

The deviancy apparently has no limits!

With all of this in mind, the horrible, inescapable conclusion is that nudism has infiltrated and infected all walks of life!

No race, creed, color, gender, age, religion, nor political affiliation is immune to this plague of enjoying nakedness!

Yes, the extraordinarily devastating, shocking truth is that nudists are…

Ordinary, everyday people!

It’s a shock, I know. But the truth had to be told!

So that’s it. Nothing to see if you keep reading, all you nice, normal non-nudists!

Nope, no secret nudist-only business to be discussed here.

Are the normies gone?


“World Nudist Domination in Satan’s Name” planning committee meeting with virgin sacrifice to follow at my house Saturday night — pass it on!

Well, there you have it, folks. The naked truth: nudists are ordinary people. We fully agree with this conclusion, as we’ve seen it in every guy we’ve had on our nude sailing trips. Do you agree with the author, that nudists tend to be more accepting of other people and their differences? Let us know in the Comment Section below.